Hey there good looking… it’s me, Bex.
I never thought I’d be here. I always assumed that you were either someone who had miscarriages or someone who didn’t… having 3 kids already, I felt that I firmly belonged in the group of women who didn’t suffer from baby loss.
So in March 2020 when I saw those 2 blue lines, we geared up for baby number 4. I was so blasé about the whole thing – I breezed in to my 12 week scan – I was just there for the picture really, having already planned my facebook & insta posts in my head…
When I heard the words ‘I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat’ I don’t mind telling you that my world, as I knew it, ended. Right. At. That. Moment. I pulled my top down, still clutching my pregnancy notes and shuffled off into a lilac room to find out what happened next.
I felt stupid. Stupid for thinking that I was immune from miscarriage, stupid that I’d been walking round completely oblivious to the fact that my baby was no longer alive.
Most of all, I could not believe the agonising pain and deep grief I felt. I couldn’t believe that this was what miscarriage was like? That other women had felt this same pain and lived on…?
Then the doubt crept in – if this was the pain of miscarriage, why didn’t anyone talk about it? Why didn’t I know how horrendous it was? Perhaps it was just me? Maybe it was me who was unable to cope, should I be this upset? Was my grief valid? Did this count as a baby?
These questions nearly drove me insane. My heart felt so full, yet so empty every day and I turned a really frightening corner, the desire use alcohol to escape my constant torturous thoughts was almost completely overwhelming.
My children and husband pulled me through this and instead of reaching for the vodka, I reached for my laptop and I started to write. I wrote down everything I felt. I didn’t plan to publish it, but when I finished – it was so clear to me that I needed to.
I felt so strongly that If I was feeling this pain, then someone else may be too. I shared my article to a public facebook group and it was also printed by the Metro – overnight my inbox steadily filled – I had over 3,000 emails of love and support during the first week.
This spurred me on to set up a Facebook support group, during this time I got a DM that really stuck out for me – it was from someone called Laura Buckingham and it said ‘do you fancy going into battle together?’
I loved her words. Battle is for warriors and I feel that women going through baby loss are just that. Warriors.
We got together and The Worst Girl Gang Ever was formed. We chose the name because although this is a club that no one would ever choose to be a part of, we are also stronger together, we have each other’s backs and this gang is packed with strong, empowered and inspirational women.
We welcome you with heavy hearts and open arms.