Hey, It’s me. (Bex)
I never thought I’d be here. I always assumed that you were either someone who had miscarriages or someone who didn’t… having 3 kids already, I felt that I firmly belonged in the group of women who didn’t suffer from baby loss.
So in March 2020 when I saw those 2 blue lines, I geared up for baby number 4. I was so blasé about the whole thing, breezing in to my 12 week scan, already planning how I would announce the pregnancy.
When I heard the words ‘I’m sorry there’s no heartbeat’ the world sort of slowed down… I didn’t know what to do, I searched my mental filing cabinets for resources to help me, but the tab ‘what to do following miscarriage’ held no files, so I wiped the jelly from my stomach and shuffled off into a lilac room to await further instructions.
I felt so stupid. Stupid for thinking that I was immune from miscarriage, stupid that I had no idea what would happen next and stupid that I, a mother of 3, hadn’t realised that my baby had died.
Mostly, in the weeks that followed, I couldn’t believe the scorching pain I felt was what miscarriage felt like. I couldn’t believe that other women suffered this every day in relative silence.
And then I wondered… was it just me? Should I be feeling this way? If this was what miscarriage felt like, if other women were in this pain, why wasn’t it national fucking news? Was there something wrong with me and my emotions? I felt like my grief was disproportionate to my loss.
I turned a frightening corner and I CRAVED oblivion from my thoughts and feelings. I used alcohol to numb the pain, which just led to more pain later down the line.
I felt so strongly that If I was feeling this pain, then someone else may be too, so I began a mission – I wrote about my experience and shared it to a public facebook group and it was also printed by the Metro – overnight my inbox steadily filled – I had over 2,000 emails of love and support during the first week.
This spurred me on to set up a Facebook support group, during this time I got a DM that really stuck out for me – it was from someone called Laura Buckingham and it said ‘do you fancy going into battle together?’
I loved her words. For me, all the support I could find was resource based and information led and so clinical. Battle implied Warriors and I felt like that’s what I, you, we are… We’re fucking warriors, battling through this invisible pain inflicted upon us.
We got together and The Worst Girl Gang Ever was formed. We chose the name because although this is a club that no one would ever choose to be a part of, we stand shoulder to shoulder. Stronger together.
We welcome you with heavy hearts and open arms.