Four Years Later and Hoping Still

The past four years I have gone from being the most outgoing person and the loudest one in the room to now staying at home and hiding from the world and not wanting to talk to anyone. Never would I have thought that making a family would be one of the hardest things I have to deal with mentally and physically.

My journey started in 2021 . My husband wanted to get married then have a family so we got married through COVID with only 15 people there. A week before the wedding I found out I was pregnant. We were so happy, feeling like the COVID nightmare has given us some hope we are were getting married and having a baby are dreams have come true.

My breasts were getting bigger and also I had bad mood swings which we thought were all positive signs.

However,  a few days before the wedding I started to bleed I was very naive and didn’t know what was happening so I called the doctor they said to rest and all is normal but the bleeding got worse and I was still hoping but deep down I knew something was wrong but I was getting married I had to keep my smile on and wait till the scan a few days after the wedding. I went to scan and they confirmed there is no pregnancy which at the time I didn’t feel much because I was in the I just got married mood and happy phase so I moved on. November 21, I found out I was pregnant and we were so excited this time I was being sick. My breasts were getting bigger and also I had bad mood swings which we thought were all positive signs.

On New Year’s Eve I had my husband’s family round and who announced there expecting which I was like thanks for taking that limelight from me but I kept quiet. My husband told his brother quietly that we were having a baby too. Fast forward Feb I started to bleed. I was two weeks away from my 12 week scan and I knew it wasn’t right so I booked a private scan because the NHS was going to make me wait a week I was like I’m not waiting a week. We went to the scan and was told I had a blighted ovum to me at the time I was like what is this I’ve never heard of it before all I thought was you get a positive pregnancy test and that’s it you have a baby but my world come crashing down.

I didn’t want to live anymore. I didn’t want to be married because it’s my body that had failed both of us.

We were both just broken.

We fell into a deep depression. I didn’t want to live anymore. I didn’t want to be married because it’s my body that had failed both of us and why does my husband want to be with me when I can’t give him kids. I also remember his brother making comments like they can’t be happy for us because of what happened that took me further into depression and feeling my feelings were not valid and I should be happy all the time.

However, this changed me and this made me reflect on myself and what I wanted and what was important to me and that was my future and no one else’s and that’s when I stopped socialising because the comments are too much so I isolated myself for my own mental health. I also remember having a D&C done and I wasn’t allowed anyone with me and all I did was cry before I went in because I didn’t want this to be true.

Fast forwarding in the last four years I had another chemical and another missed miscarriage. So, June 24 we started IVF on the NHS everything went well. 11 eggs , 7 fertilised and 2 AA embryos we were happy and actually felt nervous that was going to work and I will have my family soon. So, we had one put back in and I was feeling great then a week and a half later my mum died. I was in shock and I had a panic attack because I couldn’t go back to her house, then all I remember is I bled and that was it the IVF failed. At the time I couldn’t stop crying but was it for my mum or for the failed transfer I didn’t know and still can’t work it out. I remember feeling that I was a failure and kept thinking why is this happening to me what have I done to deserve this.

A month later I had no period so I called the fertility clinic. They told me to take a test and I was pregnant naturally which I thought at the time this is a miracle and maybe after all the hurt over the last month my mum has gifted me but again it was a missed miscarriage. This time it was sent off for testing and all came back as normal and I was told it was a girl which hit me that it was a baby, even if it had no heart beat it hit me it was a living human and I couldn’t protect it.

My house and my heart feels empty, me and my husband feel lost.

I gave my body a break for a few months because I was emotionally drained and my body needed a rest so I went back this march for the 2nd embryo transfer but this one failed which made me feel like what have I done and what more can I do all I want to do is fix the problem but I can’t. My brain went into overdrive. What test can I take? What foods can I eat and what exercise can I do to make it work? I will do anything. After speaking to the fertility clinic we are now paying for the next IVF and will be going through PGT testing on the embryo so it will be another long roller coaster.

My house and my heart feels empty, me and my husband feel lost. We don’t go anywhere but work then home because the constant reminders of not having a family is killing us both inside. We have to go through pregnancy announcements, the invites to baby showers, we turn down, the weddings where we get asked when we are having a family so we keep ourselves to ourselves because we can’t keep this act up. We both have hope and we try to be positive to keep the other one going. We just pray and wish that we can have a happy ending after all the grief we have gone through. All we can do is keep going but it’s not easy and who knows what the future holds but I hope it’s a happy ending.