How to deal with the Ugly Feelings

When our baby dies or we are struggling under the burden of infertility, we find ourselves consumed by grief, our loss is all we can think of, it is suffocating and painful and the world can become a very dark and frightening place.

As we start to catch our breath and find our feet, as we get used to the unpredictability of our grief, often we are completely floored again by a new set of feelings – feeling that weren’t there before, feelings that, perhaps, we’re not even familiar with – cue anger, resentment, jealousy, bitterness and despair.

Welcome to the ugly feelings.

Often we find this array of emotion hard to accept ourselves, let alone admit to anyone else… As we knock back £100’s worth of vitamins, chow down on antioxidants & and chug gallons of unicorn piss we hear about women who accidentally get pregnant despite incompatible lifestyle choices.

We plead with higher powers in the hope that one day we will hold a baby in our arms, meanwhile hearing of unwanted pregnancies – words banded round like ‘mishap’ ‘accident’ and ‘mistake’ our hearts burn with both longing and anger.

While we don’t wish loss on anyone, we cannot feel the joy we were once able to.

When we see pregnancy announcements on social media, instead of happiness we feel a tidal wave of emotion. We feel things that make us ashamed of ourselves… anger, hatred even and then comes the guilt… How can we feel this way? We must be a terrible, awful, monster-woman. We’re not, We are, in fact, completely normal, as are all our feelings. So what do we do? How do we cope? Read on friends, read on.

1. Don’t get caught up, If you dwell on these feelings they will consume you.

We spend so much time and energy trying to stop ourselves from feeling this way. It’s like that thing about elephants… you know? Someone says ‘don’t think about an elephant…’ what do you then think of? Anyway, elephants or no elephants, these feelings are NATURAL AND VALID, when they come, acknowledge them let them potter round for a bit and then think about something else.

Once again – it is normal – you are normal. Allow yourself to feel this way and accept that the ugly feelings will come and go.

Having ugly feelings does not make you an ugly person.

2. Tell people what you need.

Friends and family members who haven’t experienced baby loss won’t necessarily know how to share pregnancy news with you. We have found that a face-to-face announcement is the hardest way to hear this as it can catch us like a rabbit in headlights; our facial features and voice suddenly feel as though they belong to someone else.

In this situation, it is very unlikely we will have the ability to keep our shit together.

In our personal experience a text message is the best way forward. It allows us the time to process how we feel, deal with the ugly feelings and then prepare our response. Remember; you’re not making their news about you – you’re protecting yourself & your relationships.

3. Take a step back It’s 100% okay to protect yourself and your emotions.

In fact it’s not just okay, it absolutely necessary. Sometimes we need to withdraw slightly to create some space between ourselves and the people or situations that can trigger our ugly feelings.

In order to maintain good mental health, it’s important to have boundaries in place; mute the Whatsapp group, decline the baby shower invite, unfollow pregnant friends on socials. Remember, these are your friends, they will understand – if they don’t. Send them our way, we’ll duff them right up… No, joking – if they don’t understand then a little distance from them is even more important.

4. We are your people

Sharing your ugly feelings with those who haven’t experienced baby loss can be challenging and ultimately, if they don’t understand, can make you feel worse. The baby loss community is huge and so kind and supportive, we are your people, use us. It’s so bloody liberating to share how seeing a pregnant stranger in the fruit & veg section at Tesco made you want to lob a grapefruit at her, or how you saw red when Angela announced her pregnancy on FB by saying ‘Much to Steve’s annoyance we got pregnant the first month of trying. Lol’ LOL ANGELA, LO-FUCKING L.

So, in summary –

• Ugly feelings do not make you an ugly person

• Take control of the situation if you can

• Muting, unfollowing and turning down invites is AOK

• Tell us how you’re feeling.

You’ve got this & we’ve got you

Bex & Laura xxx