How to support a friend through Baby Loss

Acknowledge the loss

The only way to increase the pain of baby loss is to ignore it.

We understand how difficult the topic of baby loss is to bring up, we know that you fear by mentioning it, you may cause further upset. However, when our baby isn’t acknowledged, we can end up feeling that they only existed to us, and that our grief is disproportionate to our loss, this can leave us unwilling to share what we have been or are going through and isolate ourselves further.

Saying something is, in our experience, always better than saying nothing, if you don’t know what to say, there’s huge power in admitting that ‘I’m so sorry, I don’t know what to say, but I wanted you to know I’m thinking of you and I’m here whenever you need me to be’ this simple phrase will let us know that you care and that you are a safe space as and when we are ready to talk.

Don’t be offended by our boundaries, it’s us, not you

The grieving process is long, complicated and painful. We may need to duck out of social stuff, especially baby related gatherings, we will be desperately worried that we will upset or offend you by doing this, but we are struggling and need to protect ourselves from further heartbreak at this point.

Check in on our partners

Baby loss affects both parents and often our partners don’t feel justified in their grief because the loss for them wasn’t physical. Give them a call or a text, they may want to vent to you if they feel their grief will burden us.

Be in the wings and bring us treats

Don’t try to pull us from our trenches, but when we’re ready to talk, come and join us in them, bring a candle to light the way….and snacks, decent snacks.

Try to avoid ‘toxic positivity’

Toxic positivity is the belief that one should remain positive, even when facing difficult situations or negative emotions. It denies the opportunity to process and work through these challenging (but very natural) thoughts and feelings, instead plastering on an ‘always look on the bright side’ approach which can be really detrimental to the ongoing emotional health of someone who’s suffered.

Toxically positive phrases can include anything starting with ‘at least’ for example, ‘at least it was early’ ‘at least you already have children’ ‘at least you know you can get pregnant’ although these phrases are almost always said with love and consideration, they often make us feel that our experience weren’t as bad as  we’re making out, or that our grief isn’t valid. Phrases also include ‘It wasn’t meant to be’ ‘It was God’s plan’ etc. etc. 

Good examples of what to say to avoid using the ‘at least phrases’

I’m so sorry this has happened, I’m thinking of you

I’m so sorry, I know how much you wanted this

I just wanted to tell you I’m here for you whenever you need to talk

Reflect the language used

When we lose a baby, we are completely out of control of what has happened, this loss of control is really difficult to cope with and manage, we need to be given the opportunity to own and share our story in a way that feels right to us, often language is a big part of that and we choose how we reflect on our narrative with care, so when speaking to someone about what has happened, carefully reflect the language they have chosen back, if they use their baby’s name, do the same, if they refer to their experience as a miscarriage, use the same term, this can help us feel like you’re listening, you’ve heard and you understand us.

Remember dates and seasons

Milestones are particularly hard when you’ve lost a baby, you feel as though the whole world moves on and you’re stuck behind grieving, this grief often becomes heavier around seasonal events like Christmas and Mothers Day, as well as milestones like due dates and loss anniversaries.

There are other less obvious triggers too, halloween for example, when social feeds are full of babies sat in carved out pumpkins or September, when we see multiple images of school clothed children on their front door steps. I

If you remember the time of year a loved one lost at, or you notice that your socials are filled with Christmas matching pyjamas, sending a text along the lines of ‘I know this time of year must be difficult for you, I’m thinking of you’ will be so gratefully received.

Continue to be there

Baby loss is not an event to be gotten over, it’s an experience that has to be woven into our existence and although feelings and emotions will change over time, the scar will always remain. Remembering to check in from time to time is a great way to show you haven’t forgotten and that you are aware that grief is not a short or linear journey.

Be sensitive and inclusive

Hearing the happy news of others in the way of pregnancy announcements can be very difficult news for us to take onboard and it’s extremely helpful when consideration is taken in how these announcements are made, it’s not about dulling down anyone else’s joy, but being inclusive to those who may be struggling with the burden of infertility and loss. We have found from speaking to hundreds of members of our community, that a text message, WITHOUT an ultrasound photo attached is often the best way forward – this allows us to process the information in our own time and formulate the response that you deserve, rather than a face to face announcement, where we may feel like a rabbit caught in headlights and be unable to give a response we’d like to.