My journey to running 10K and embracing my body after loss
After struggling with body image issues, recurrent miscarriages, and years of self-doubt, Emma, one of our brave warriors, shares her transformative journey of running as a way to embrace self-care and self-love. Battling with her body’s perceived failures, she found strength through the running community and the power of perseverance. Emma is currently taking part in our Run 10K to Raise 10K fundraising campaign and discusses just how amazing the campaigns WhatsApp community has been at keeping her going. Read on to learn about her path from self-doubt to self-love and the power of community.
Never saw it as a form of self-care until after I started trying to conceive and subsequently experienced miscarriages.
I can pinpoint the moment I started hating my body and the way I looked. I was ten years old in a Tammy Girl changing room trying on a strappy vest top with a sequin girl power slogan; I came out beaming ready to convince my nan that this was the top I needed for the upcoming school disco. I had already picked the jeans and was hoping I could talk her into new shoes as well. She looked me up and down and said, “Emma your arms are too fat for that top, try this instead”.
It may have been 25 years since that comment but it has stuck with me ever since. I’ve tried every diet going to make myself smaller over the years and have always stuck to them for a while and then hit a wall falling off the wagon for the cycle to continue repeating itself. In my twenties exercise was a form of punishment for overeating and I never saw it as a form of self-care until after I started trying to conceive and subsequently experienced miscarriages.
In 2020 at the height of lockdown, I like many, downloaded C25K for probably the millionth time. But this time with the mindset of completing it as a form of looking after my mental health rather than my physical health. All was going well until 3 weeks in when I fell over and slipped a disc in my back. I was convinced this was the universe’s way of telling me to hang up the trainers and stick to the chocolate.
If my body wasn’t going to look after a baby then I wasn’t going to look after it anymore.
During lockdown my partner and I were in the thick of trying to conceive and were overjoyed when in January 2021 we finally saw the two pink lines we had been so desperate to see. It was finally our time. I vowed I would do everything right and would make sure I provided the safest home for our baby. We saw their heartbeat at a 7-week scan and had already picked out the colours for their nursery. A few days after that scan our world fell apart when I miscarried them at home.
Coming out of lockdown I started to look after myself again, rejoined a gym and started learning that movement wasn’t just punishment for my body.
We threw ourselves back into trying to conceive. We had a fertility consultation where they kept discussing my BMI. It felt like my body letting me down again despite the progress I was making in the gym and getting stronger. My body hadn’t looked after my baby, and now it was stopping us from conceiving again. After my second miscarriage in February 2023, I knew I couldn’t fall back into the pattern that I did after my first miscarriage. I made the conscious effort to not turn to alcohol and fuel my efforts into healthier coping methods. I joined a local bootcamp which was great for my mind as well as my strength but I struggled with the sprinting activities again convinced that my body was setting me up to fail.
February 2024 saw us lose our 3rd baby. How many more times was my body going to continue to let us down? I was doing everything right, taking a multitude of supplements, regularly exercising, eating fertility friendly foods and yet my body still couldn’t do the one thing I needed from it.
Running? No way – I can’t even run for the bus, why would I do it intentionally?
A friend of mine had decided to enter a half marathon and kept suggesting I tried running as she found it cleared her mind. Running? No way – I can’t even run for the bus, why would I do it intentionally? I don’t have a runner’s body I told her. The other runners would laugh at me – I wouldn’t be able to do it. She turned to me and said everyone had to start somewhere and the running community only want other runners to succeed. I didn’t believe her but I redownloaded the C25K app on my phone assuming it would just sit there taking up precious storage until I got round to deleting it again.
A few months went by and I started feeling myself struggling the way I had after my first miscarriage. My brain wasn’t being kind and it was getting harder to tune out. So, in August last year I finally put my trainers on and on the hottest day of the year I completed the first run of the programme and I didn’t die. My body was doing it and my brain was starting to quieten. At the end of the 30 minutes, I felt amazing but I had tried this before and my brain kept reminding me of when I fell over. So, after that first run, I sent my friend a voice note telling her I had done it knowing that her encouragement would drown out my brain and keep me accountable.
She was right when she said the running community was the most supportive and she became my biggest cheerleader. I sent her a picture after each run and when I fell over, this time in week 4 she just told me I was a real runner now not allowing my brain the time to tell my body it wasn’t good enough. She even came out with me on her ‘Bride to Be’ trip to Magaluf at 7 a.m. so that I wouldn’t fall behind with the plan. As the weeks went on it got easier and the longer intervals didn’t feel so intimidating – my body was doing it and for once I was proud of what it (I) was achieving. I cried when I ran my first 5K as it’s something I never thought I would ever be able to do.
Runners and TWGEEF warriors are the ultimate hype women, and I am so grateful to this challenge for bringing us together.
When TWGEEF announced the Run 10k to Raise 10k Challenge I thought about taking part but I was still only running 5K. Surely my body couldn’t make it to 10? Surely the rest of those running would be proper athletes who could run that distance without thinking about it? Again, that friend’s words came back to me – other runners only want you to succeed and all these runners are warriors – I could do this. Finally, I was starting to champion my body for what it was doing rather than hating it for what it wasn’t. Since starting the training, I have been amazed at what I have achieved running further and longer than I ever thought possible all while having the lovely warriors support in my phone. The community we have through our WhatsApp group is so inspiring. When you don’t want to run, someone is there to cheer you on, when you get back from the run to share selfies, everyone is there to congratulate you, and when you just want to rant about some insensitive comment, someone has made everyone has your back. Runners and TWGEEF warriors are the ultimate hype women, and I am so grateful to this challenge for bringing us together.
