When I was told I’d never be able to have children that were genetically mine, it floored me. My inner world fell away. For a long time, I didn’t know how to name the feelings – grief, anger, shame – it all just lived inside me.
Looking back, it was like mourning a version of the future I’d always assumed was mine. You don’t grow up thinking you’ll need a sperm donor to start a family.
One moment that really shifted things for me was when I asked my wife who I was as a man, and what she loved about me. She listed things like my loyalty, integrity, humour, my resilience, the way I show up for her and others. But…..not one mention of DNA. That stopped me in my tracks. It reminded me that fatherhood isn’t about biology – it’s about presence, consistency, and love. Genetics don’t change what kind of dad you are.
I worried, like most men in this situation do, whether I’d bond with the child(ren). Would it feel different? Would I feel like an outsider in my own family?
But when our twins were born, the love didn’t need to be worked on. That overwhelming, protective, joyful love kicked in the same as I imagine it would for any dad. Sure, there are tough days – all parents have them. But the donor aspect? It fades into the background of daily life. What matters is the connection you build, day by day.
We both agreed that it wasn’t about trying to clone me. I, and we, had made our peace with the fact that genetic resemblance wouldn’t happen, so we didn’t want to use up and headspace in trying to pick the perfect mini-me. We just wanted someone who felt like a natural fit for our family.
I won’t pretend I was fine with it straight away. It took me many months to feel truly at peace with the decision. That timeline won’t be the same for everyone, and that’s okay. It’s not a race to acceptance – it’s a journey. The grief might never fully disappear, but over time, it doesn’t define you anymore.
I was also navigating this on my own. There were no other men talking about it. No real stories. No support. I felt completely isolated up to this point. Looking back, I truly believe that if the 2019 me had been able to read something like this, it would’ve helped me make sense of those emotions more quickly. It wouldn’t have taken the pain away – but it would have helped me feel less alone in it, and moved me closer to acceptance sooner.
The questions (often from complete strangers) started early: “Who does she get her ginger hair from?” “His curls are beautiful – which side of the family do they come from?”
At first, I’d respond with the full story – partly as my own therapy, and partly because I took a bit of pleasure in making them squirm. Maybe it gave them a much-needed reminder not to ask such personal questions without an invitation.
But over time, I relaxed into it. You learn which conversations are worth having – and when it’s perfectly okay to just smile and move on.
The funny thing? People are always saying how much the kids look like me – even people who know our story. It just goes to show: love, presence, and everyday connection shape how families are seen – not just DNA.
We’ve always said we’d tell our children from the very beginning. No secrets. No shame. Just truth, wrapped in love.
We started talking about it when they were babies – not because they’d understand, but because we needed to get used to saying it. Now, it’s just part of who we are. Our daughter even has a version of the story she loves hearing: “Once upon a time, Prince Daddy met Princess Mummy… but Daddy didn’t have any seeds…” You can probably guess how that story ends: “And they all lived happily ever after.”
For us, honesty has created safety – not confusion. We want our children to grow up knowing their story is one of love, intention, and pride.
If there’s one thing I wish I’d had earlier, it’s hearing from another man who’d been through it. Not a leaflet or a factsheet from the clinic – a real conversation with someone who got it.
That’s exactly why we created NeXYs Fertility – to give men a space that’s built for them. Somewhere to find answers, connection, and support from others who’ve walked the same path. We run regular webinars and men’s panels on everything from diagnosis and treatment to donor conception and fatherhood.
If you’re considering donor conception or supporting a partner through infertility, you’re not alone – and you don’t need to figure it all out in silence.
NeXYs offers free peer support, lived experience panels, and real conversations that put men’s voices at the centre of the fertility world. You can catch up on previous sessions – including our Donor Conception Men’s Panel, where three men share how they made peace with this path and what fatherhood means to them today.
Explore more at nexysfertility.com
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