Choosing To Try Again

Is there a right or wrong time to try for another baby?

The decision as to when to try for another baby is yours alone. You may find people around you suggest that you should give yourself adequate time to grieve your baby who has died and for some parents this may be helpful. Other parents may wish to try for another baby sooner and that’s OK too.

There are however some circumstances where you might need to take advice before becoming pregnant again. For example, if your baby died as a result of a genetic condition, you may wish to undergo screening to help you make informed decisions about future risks. If your baby died at or around birth, it may be helpful for you to talk to a medical professional about when you might be physically ready for another pregnancy.

Why do I feel guilty about becoming pregnant again?

Families I’ve supported tell me they feel guilty about being excited about trying for a new baby as if this means they’re being disloyal to or have forgotten their baby who has died. However we know as parents that you will never forget your baby. Love is not finite; parents have the capacity to love each of their children equally. The baby who has died will always be remembered with both love and sadness. Recognise that this is a different pregnancy with a different child, not a replacement – both children are equally as important to you.

How can I cope with worries about my new pregnancy?

When you’ve experienced baby loss, it’s natural that you are worried about losing another baby. You may feel extremely anxious throughout your pregnancy especially as you approach the period in which your baby died. It can help to talk about your concerns with someone you trust such as a family member, friend, health professional or bereavement support practitioner. Try to find ways to manage the anxiety by distracting yourself for short regular intervals in the day; this could be deep breathing exercises, grounding, yoga, relaxing music, anything you find helpful to enable you to set aside those negative thoughts.

Is it OK to still think about my baby who has died?

Everyone grieves in their own unique way. Some parents find it painful initially to think about their baby while others say it can be helpful. It’s OK to allow yourself the time and space to remember your baby, perhaps by looking at photos, being in nature, or writing a journal as if to your baby about your thoughts and feelings as a way to express your ongoing love for them.

How will I cope with revisiting places and situations that remind me of my baby who has died?

There may be times in your pregnancy where you may need to visit places that remind you of your baby who has died, such as going to an antenatal class or attending an antenatal or scan appointment at the hospital. It may be the same hospital that you have visited previously and you may even come across staff who remember you but who are unaware that your baby died and may ask how your baby is? This can be very difficult and it may help to think about what you might say beforehand to prepare for this situation.

It can help to let staff know that this is difficult for you and ask for it to be written on your notes so that other staff are aware. Some families find it helpful and comforting to be in a familiar environment with staff they know but others may prefer to go to a completely different hospital with fewer reminders, if this is an option. You may also find it helpful to have your partner, friend or another family member accompany you to your appointments so they can support you if you find it difficult.

When shall I tell other people I’m expecting another child?

Some bereaved families tell us that they are anxious about telling people that they are expecting another child because they are concerned that things may not progress well or that others might ‘judge’ them for deciding on another pregnancy or be overly positive about the new pregnancy in a way that fails to acknowledge their ongoing grief for the baby or child who died. Others feel it’s a deeply personal experience that they don’t wish to share until they are ready. While it is natural to worry about what other people might think, only you know what is right for you. What you tell other people, and when, is for you to decide; you are under no obligation to share anything until you are ready.