When we started trying 5 years ago, after going back and forth over the decision for a number of years, we assumed it would be easy.
Nobody tells you when you’re younger how difficult having a family can be. You get filled with stories of women who weren’t careful and got caught, young girls who weren’t ready, and warnings about how easily you can fall pregnant if not paying attention to contraception.
So, when we started trying 5 years ago, after going back and forth over the decision for a number of years, we assumed it would be easy.
Over the last 5 years, I’ve lost 5 babies through 4 unsuccessful pregnancies. 2 early miscarriages, 1 missed miscarriage, 1 11-week twin loss, and then the heartbreaking decision to end my pregnancy with the 2nd twin due to medical issues at almost 20 weeks.
After 1 loss you hear ‘oh it’s so common’, ‘I know someone who’s had 1 and they’ve gone on to have other children’, and my personal favourite ‘at least you know you can get pregnant’. And to be fair I wasn’t too concerned, so when it happened a 2nd time it was a shock.
…as I was over 35, I couldn’t access fertility support…
Myself and my husband differed on opinions for whether tests should be an option, but after a lot of discussion we went ahead. I was able to access some tests through my GP but as I was over 35, I couldn’t access fertility support so money started beginning to be spent on private specialist tests for both me and him.
This highlighted a higher than ideal thyroid level for me, and queried PCOS which had always been questioned over the years but GPs always differed on giving a diagnosis. After beginning medications, which became another monthly expense, I fell pregnant with twins. By this time, I was under Tommy’s but as I’d since fallen pregnant, they just offered more scans. The 10-week scan was lovely, it was the furthest I’d ever gotten and I remember being so happy after. However, at the 12-week scan 1 twin no longer had a heartbeat. We were heartbroken, but there was part of me that thought ‘we still have one baby’. We couldn’t have the combined test due to the impact the lost twin might have had, but all measurements looked ok.
It’s hard to put into words how I felt, I’m still not sure I can describe it.
When I heard the heartbeat at 16 weeks I was amazed! However it was at this point the combined test was done, and the results came back high risk for Down’s syndrome. 2 weeks and further tests (that I had to pay for) later, I was having an amniocentesis. The consultant at the time discussed concerns over brain development, and 5 days later we were told the Down’s syndrome had led to the brain being not quite in the right place, and not developing. The following days were horrendous as we agonised over the decision before choosing to end the pregnancy based on the information we were given about the lack of quality of life our baby would have.
When our daughter was born asleep when I was 4 days away from being 20 weeks, it’s hard to put into words how I felt, I’m still not sure I can describe it.
It took 6 months to decide to try again, a decision my husband was not fully on board with, and another 12 before I fell pregnant for what we both knew would be the last time.
I’d had the PCOS diagnosis confirmed by then and a plethora of medications I was sure would help. But 2 weeks after the first positive test, I noticed the others (as I was doing a lot for reassurance) weren’t developing, and I miscarried at 6 weeks.
It’s hard to explain the mix of devastation but also relief that I think we both had. Knowing we would not get the family we wanted was hard to digest, but the relief of knowing we were off the rollercoaster was palpable.
there’s not 1 day that I don’t think either about the babies we’ve lost, or question if we are doing the right thing…
It’s been 6 months since we made that decision, and there’s not 1 day that I don’t think either about the babies we’ve lost, or question if we are doing the right thing. But ultimately, I know that I’d reached my capacity with it. My life had become about proving a point, that I could successfully carry and deliver a baby, and I’d lost sight of if it was something I really wanted.
What I try to focus on now is that my marriage came through it all stronger somehow. And having a source of support through TWGGE and knowing that I am not alone is making such a huge transition just that little bit easier.
Written by Holly Bromley
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