The Do’s and Don’ts: Conversations with Loved one’s Struggling to Conceive

Struggling to conceive can be difficult to navigate, and create intense emotions like anxiety, grief, hope and heartbreak. There can be a lot of unknowns, and how a person or couple feels can often invisible to the outside world. Infertility is actually very common, and is something 1 in 6 couples face globally. Despite this, infertility still has stigma attached to it, which can cause people to isolate themselves and stay silent. When a loved one opens up about their fertility struggles, it can be a vulnerable time for them. How you respond matters!

You might say something that you think is helpful, but it can lead to unintentional pain. Let’s look at some common phrases people tend to say and why they can be hurtful.

“You Need To Relax. It Will Happen”

Some people say this with the intention to be reassuring. For someone going through fertility treatment or receiving repeated disappointments, this can actually feel extremely invalidating.

This comment implies that their infertility is caused by stress, not biology, and that everything would be okay if they were more laid back. The truth is that infertility is often caused by certain medical conditions, like polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), endometriosis, low sperm count, or unexplained factors. You can’t make everything better with a positive mindset or by staying calm; it doesn’t work like that.

A Better Approach:

Acknowledge their effort and their strength. You might say something like, “I can only imagine how overwhelming this must be for you. I’m here for you if you need me.”

“At Least You Know You Can Get Pregnant.”

This is often said after someone has had a miscarriage, chemical pregnancy, or failed IVF attempt. The intent might be to make them feel better, but it often comes off as hurtful. No matter how many weeks along, pregnancy loss can be full of grief and heartbreak. Telling someone to focus on the fact that they’re able to get pregnant can invalidate their mourning.

What to Say Instead:

“I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m here if you want to talk or if you just need company.”

“Everything in Life Happens For a Reason.”

You might want to make sense of what they’re going through, but this comment isn’t helpful. Suggesting that there is a greater purpose behind their pain can dismiss their grief.

A Better Option:

Validate their feelings and instead, try saying: “That sounds heartbreaking, I’m sorry you’re going through this.”

“Maybe It’s Not Meant to Be.”

Some people say this to offer closure, but it’s very hurtful and does the opposite. This comment suggests giving up, that their hopes are unrealistic, and that the universe has already decided against them. For someone putting their all into creating a family, this can dismiss their dreams of becoming a parent.

Instead, Say Something Like:
“I can’t imagine how hard this has been for you. I really admire that you continue to hold hope.”

“You’re Still Young, You Have Plenty of Time.”

This disregards what they’re going through and makes out that they’re overreacting or that their grief isn’t important. Yes, fertility can decline with age, but young people can experience reproductive challenges too.

Instead, Try Saying This:

“Whatever happens next, I’m always here for you whenever you need me.”

So, What Should You Say?

If you’re worried about saying the wrong thing, remember to be kind, lend a listening ear, and try not to fix their problem. Infertility is so difficult to experience, but the right kind of support can make managing the hurt a little easier. Here are some supportive phrases you can say:

• “I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”
• “I can’t say anything to make it better, but I’m here for you.”
• “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but I’m always here to listen.”

Final Thoughts

People don’t want unsolicited advice when they’re struggling to conceive. They need your support, and this is something they’ll remember and appreciate too. At The Worst Girl Gang Ever Foundation, we bring people together to heal, share and support each other through miscarriage, baby loss and infertility. Look at our website to see how you could benefit from our support.