The Longest Three Months: Navigating a Missed Miscarriage
I had a MMC measuring 8 weeks back in March. We went from being the happiest we have ever been to the saddest we have ever been in such a short space of time. I had a gut feeling something was wrong when my strong symptoms began to slowly dwindle. We booked a private scan and I remember my partner saying “I know we will be leaving here with a big smile on our face” but I just knew something was wrong. We sat in the waiting room surrounded by balloons and families excited for their gender reveal. When we left after hearing there was a very slow heartbeat, we had to leave via the fire escape. I couldn’t hide my sadness and didn’t want to ruin their experiences with my terrified face.
Things moved quickly after that. A week later we were in the early pregnancy clinic, and the heartbeat had gone altogether. We waited another week to then have another scan to reconfirm. 1 week later, still no sign of miscarriage and a D&C was booked.
Things went seemingly well initially, but the bleeding just wouldn’t stop. When it got to the 4 weeks mark, I called back in and had another scan. They seemed in shock at how much retained product (horrible term for your baby, isn’t it) that had been left. 2 weeks later I had another D&C that was ultrasound guided. I felt resentful and frustrated, but understood it was “rare” but could happen. They scanned me before this D&C again to ensure it was still there and it most definitely was.
I broke down into hysterical crying at that point. How? How the eff could they have missed it?
Fast forward 3 more weeks, I was still bleeding. I called up again, booked another scan, and went alone this time. I was quietly confident my body was just flushing and getting back to normal, how could they have missed it again if it was ultrasound guided? I even told my partner to go watch the Tottenham final (his one true love!) as I was so sure it would be okay.
I had a scan and they just went silent. And then she said I’m sorry…. they have still missed a big part. I just broke down into hysterical crying at that point. How? How the eff could they have missed it? I waited, alone, for 3 hours in the waiting room after that until I saw a consultant. It felt like the longest, loneliest wait of my life.
I’ve had 6 trips to the hospital, 8 internal scans, 3 general anaesthetics and 3 surgeries in 3 months…
I was then booked in for a Hysteroscopy and something else that sounded like a “total clear out”. I sat on my sofa watching Suits for the 18th time because my brain hasn’t been capable of watching anything new right now.
I’ve had 6 trips to the hospital, 8 internal scans, 3 general anaesthetics and 3 surgeries in 3 months. To top it off nicely, I am on antibiotics also because the site where my IV line went in got infected and my arm blew up, but that’s just the cherry on a really shit cake.
I feel physically and emotionally battered, and all the trauma sometimes makes me oversee the true sadness here – our little miracle has gone.
On one hand I want to share my story so people like me – the 1% or whatever percentage it was – don’t feel so alone. On the other hand, I also don’t want to scare all these lovely women who are already scared enough. There have been many, many dark days but also many days filled with love and gratitude for my incredible partner, family, friends and colleagues whom all helped me through continuously. I think they are the real heroes in my story.
