Navigating Cultural Expectations During Pregnancy After Loss

Be prepared for the silence

South Asian communities can be inherently loud…except when it comes to pregnancy loss and pregnancy after loss. Navigating pregnancy after loss can be challenging at the best of times but add in a strong South Asian Heritage and you’ll be met with “congratulations” when people look at your bump now but silence when it comes to your journey or loss(es) that came before that. This silence can be deafening and yet, we smile because, what else do you do?

If you’re navigating pregnancy after loss, especially within a South Asian family or cultural community, you might already be familiar with this sort of occurrence. Perhaps it’s the “aunties” who never mentioned the miscarriage are now same ones asking when you’re due and passing comment on how many bhajis you’re adding to your plate. Maybe it’s the people who stayed quiet when you were grieving, who are now suddenly full of opinions about the size of your bump or birth plan.

This post is for you.

The misconceptions we must unlearn

Maybe you’ve thought that the goal was to get “the aunties” on side or to make them understand. Or maybe it was to have the “right” conversation with the “right people” at the “right moment” so that everyone could acknowledge what you’ve been through. I hate to break it to you but that’s not actually the goal.

My advice is to get so comfortable, so grounded and so settled in yourself that what “the aunties” are saying about you bounces off you. Why? Because the journey it’s taken you to get to this stage is valid, important and really matters but my heartfelt wish is for you to stop needing external validation to confirm that.

Five tips for navigating cultural expectations in pregnancy after loss

1. Set your expectations before you walk in

Before any family gathering, appointment, or event, get clear on what you’re walking into so that you feel prepared and in a grounded way. Ask yourself: what am I looking for here? What do I need to feel okay? What is likely to come up and how would I like to be able to
respond, if it does? When you know your own answers, other people’s questions feel less intrusive or jarring.

2. Honour what was, regardless of whether ‘they’ do

“They” may have moved on and may not mention your losses at all. Or “they” may offer you “at least you’re pregnant now”. I’d like you to remember this:

You’re allowed to honour what was, in your journey, in its completeness.

Whether that’s quietly or privately, honour what was in whatever way feels true. Maybe that’s a ritual before you leave the house or a moment in the car before you step outside. It can be a single moment of remembering and a hand gently placed on your heart that reminds you that the experience matters and that you’re still here.

Remember: You do not need anyone’s permission to validate your own grief.

3. Have the scripts ready before you need them

The worst time to find the right words is in the moment, especially because when someone says something that catches you off guard, our whole body has already responded, sometimes without our intentional consent!

So practice and rehearse your answers to the questions you dread so you feel prepared and comfortable.

South Asian Wedding season is coming, as are the baby shower invites and extended family gatherings that seem to land in your WhatsApps. Instead of dreading them all, allow each one to be another chance to practice. Start small and gain confidence, one moment at a time.

4. Expand your capacity to feel joy, slowly, gently, on your terms

Pregnancy after loss requires courage and involves holding multiple emotions at the same time. Mainly, grief and hope. There’s also an external pressure to feel happy and grateful when sometimes, that’s far from the truth. Joy can feel risky, but you’re allowed to expand into joy, slowly at your own pace, little by little. Choose how to expose yourself, so that slowly celebrations start to feel a little safer and you grow into the joy of the experience, regardless of the outcome.

5. Trust yourself above all else

This is the hardest one but the one that makes the most difference. Listening to your intuition will guide you. Whether it’s following your instinct when it comes to leaving a conversation or advocating for a situation in your pregnancy, trust your gut and remember you know your body, journey and experience better than anyone else.

The South Asian Dimension

Pregnancy after loss inside a South Asian family or strong cultural community can carry additional nuances. Each one highlighting the need for change, be it in the silence around grief or challenge, the assumption that a pregnancy after loss somehow removes the pain of the path that has gotten you here, or the lack of safe spaces where all these challenging emotions can be shared, voiced or acknowledged, without judgement.

Finding spaces where you are seen with that nuance matters and is what has led me to create tools as part of a body of work I have built specifically for women navigating pregnancy after loss.

Ananya is a pregnancy after loss coach and trauma-informed practitioner, supporting
individuals through the anxiety of pregnancy after loss and pushing organisations toward
more culturally aware workplace support for pregnancy loss and pregnancy after loss.
If you’d like to go deeper or check out her resources, including scripts, guided audios and
scan day guides, you can find her here: ananyaampersand.com and
instagram.com/ananyaampersand.