As it has now been over a year since I’ve last been pregnant, and having been in this storm for three years, I’ve been thinking more and more that I might be done.

But then I get to that point towards the end of my TWW where I test early, get disheartened by a negative and then get desperate because I so badly want to see a positive again. It is such a head fuckery of a space to be in.

I try to remain calm and not controlling when it comes to the fertile window but that is easier said than done.

I wish I didn’t have to know when ovulation was but I have to start taking certain drugs pretty soon thereafter. And if I don’t, I fear I’ll miscarry again because I didn’t start them soon enough.

Head fuckery.

My one wish is that I could see into the future and know if all of this would end in our having a successful pregnancy. Because if I could and it would, I’d keep going in a heartbeat. But I can’t and I simply don’t know.

So here comes some more head fuckery, when is enough, enough?

When do I know I’m done?

And of course, this isn’t just my decision, it’s mine and my husband’s. My greatest fear in stopping is that I’ve left him, our marriage and our families down. Am I enough for my husband? Will we be OK just us two, well three including the dog.

It’s a scary thought there being nothing to show for our marriage and no genetic line passed down.

I suppose in my absolute darkest thoughts I wish someone would take the decision out of my hands and tell meI’d need a hysterectomy or something equally extreme. That would be devastating but it would take the decision away from me and then I’d know. And truthfully being pregnant again scares me. I’ve never made it past 6/7 weeks and I know nothing in pregnancy is safe.

Hell, nothing with children is safe. I’ve experienced a nephew not make it a few hours after being born and another go through brain cancer. Being a parent is scary. I’ve seen my family go through unbearable pain and wondered if I’d have to go through the same.

Beyond that, do I want to bring a child into this world with all its craziness, climate change, the economy, horrendous wars and so much evil and sadness? Of course, we’d raise a child to be the change but still…

It is a massive sacrifice to have children but also a massive privilege.

But I am now starting to see more and more the benefits or advantages to a childless life and the idea doesn’t necessarily make me as desperately sad as it once did. So when is enough, enough?

I don’t have the answer to that yet and I not sure I’m done now. But I think the time will come when I am because you can only be in a storm for so long. Eventually the storm passes and there’s a rainbow at the other side, but that rainbows might not take the form you expect.

And that’s ok.